March 2010

Balanced Living




“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and “Love your neighbor as yourself”

This is indeed a command of Jesus' but it helps to know the definition of this word “neighbor” as He meant it to be used. The real definition from neighbor is “near dweller”, not “all humanity.” What this means is that our duty is to love those with whom we are effectual contact those we can really do something about. Usually they will be those in physical proximity to us. We are to love God, our neighbor, AND ourselves.

1. Who do you find it easiest to love: God, yourself or others? Why?
   
   
2. 2. Who do you tend to neglect the most?
   
   

God has already proven His love for us – He has chosen us, forgiven us and lives with us through His Holy Spirit when we invite Him to be Lord of our lives. The Bible gives a wonderful definition of love in I Corinthians 13:4-7. This is the love passage that we often hear at weddings and in sermons on loving others. What if we were to consider loving ourselves by this definition?




"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."


Do you love yourself? Are you patient and gentle and kind with yourself? Do you easily let go of your mistakes and wrongs, or do you keep a strict record and punish yourself severely in your thinking? Do you trust yourself enough to persevere always? Or are you continually doubting, berating, condemning yourself?

Read I Corinthians 13:4-7. Reflect on how well you apply each principle to loving yourself?

Are you content with yourself during this season of motherhood? Are you considerate to your needs and humble enough to admit that you are what you are, even if you do fail at times to be all you want to be and realize that God calls you – as His creation -good?

Read Ephesians 4:32. How might this verse relate to loving yourself? Are you kind to yourself? Do you forgive yourself when you have set backs in your mothering?

"32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Read Psalm 103: 8-12. Do you talk down to yourself? Do you easily get mad at yourself or remember all of your mistakes? How should the truth of these verses change your attitude toward yourself?

" 8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
       slow to anger, abounding in love.

 9 He will not always accuse,
       nor will he harbor his anger forever;

 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
       or repay us according to our iniquities.

 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
       so great is his love for those who fear him;

 12 as far as the east is from the west,
       so far has he removed our transgressions from us."

It is good to remember that God loves us and wants us to love ourselves as He has made us to be. We were designed to be God pleasers, not people pleasers. Having a life out of balance – due to anger or frustration caused by the stress and strain of unmet expectations and the demands on our lives during this season of motherhood – can be a symptom of being out of balance in our relationship with God.

God wants to be our center of gravity as we function on this planet – especially in our role as mother. Our only hope of finding true and lasting fulfillment is in our relationship with God. He will show us how to find time for the important, not merely the urgent, and He gives meaning to all that the seems meaningless on the Planet Earth. Read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. “There is a time and season for everything under the sun.”

"1 There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace."

The Book of Ecclesiastes is a book of contrast between two very different outlooks on life- either acknowledging and depending on God, or failing to do so.

Failing to honor God is what the author means when he uses expressions like “under the sun”, “on earth” and “under heavens.” Life lived on this planet without God is full of pain, toil, disillusionment and sadness. By contrast, living life in relationship to God is to live by the “hand of God” (2:24) which leads to harmony and joy (2:26, 3:13, 5:19).

The words “I”, “me”, “my” and “myself” appear more than forty times in Ecclesiastes 2: 1-11 alone. This says a lot about the lifestyles we see around us and the pressure we live with – a lifestyles self-gratification.

"1 I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. 2 "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" 3 I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.  4 I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5 I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6 I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7 I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8 I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired men and women singers, and a harem [a] as well—the delights of the heart of man. 9 I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.

 10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
       I refused my heart no pleasure.
       My heart took delight in all my work,
       and this was the reward for all my labor.

 11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
       and what I had toiled to achieve,
       everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
       nothing was gained under the sun."

Is there a better way? This book suggest that the real value in life can be found in fearing God (12:13) and honoring Him in the simple, basic “stuff” of life, such as work and family (2:24, 3:22, 5:18, 8:15)

One way to evaluate ourselves to ask: In the midst of all my pursuits during this season of my life, whose life is enhanced by what I am about and giving my time to?

Read Ecclesiastes 3:14 – At first glance this verse looks like nothing we do will matter because God's will ultimately will be done. But, that perspective forgets that God has chosen to do things through us as human beings. Even during this season of motherhood we can be God's agents of His power and purposes in our lives, our children and our family and friends. We are not puppets nor are we to be parasites of His love and grace. He is calling us into an intimate relationship with Him. All of our goals, dreams and skills can be used for His great designs. - We are the beneficiaries!

"14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him."

The Book of Ecclesiastes asks us to consider:

Without God Ultimately leads to:

Learning  - Cynicism (1:7-8)
"7 All streams flow into the sea,
       yet the sea is never full.
       To the place the streams come from,
       there they return again. 
8 All things are wearisome,
       more than one can say.
       The eye never has enough of seeing,
       nor the ear its fill of hearing."

Greatness Sorrow (1:16-18)
"16 I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.  18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
       the more knowledge, the more grief."

Pleasure Disappointment (2:1-2)
 "1 I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. 2 "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?"

Labor Hatred of Life (2:17)
"17 So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."

Philosophy Emptiness (3:1-9)
"1 There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:  2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 6 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 8 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

 9 What does the worker gain from his toil?"

Eternity A lack of fulfillment (3:11)
"11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Life Depression (4:2-3)
"2 And I declared that the dead,
       who had already died,
       are happier than the living,
       who are still alive.

 3 But better than both
       is he who has not yet been,
       who has not seen the evil
       that is done under the sun."

Religion Meaninglessness (5:7)
"7 Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God."

Wealth Trouble (5:12)
"12 The sleep of a laborer is sweet,
       whether he eats little or much,
       but the abundance of a rich man
       permits him no sleep."

Existence Frustration (6:12)
"12 For who knows what is good for a man in life, during the few and meaningless days he passes through like a shadow? Who can tell him what will happen under the sun after he is gone?"

Wisdom Despair (11:1-8)
"1 Cast your bread upon the waters,
       for after many days you will find it again.  2 Give portions to seven, yes to eight,
       for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land.

 3 If clouds are full of water,
       they pour rain upon the earth.
       Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north,
       in the place where it falls, there will it lie.

 4 Whoever watches the wind will not plant;
       whoever looks at the clouds will not reap.

 5 As you do not know the path of the wind,
       or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
       so you cannot understand the work of God,
       the Maker of all things.

 6 Sow your seed in the morning,
       and at evening let not your hands be idle,
       for you do not know which will succeed,
       whether this or that,
       or whether both will do equally well.

Remember Your Creator While Young  7 Light is sweet,
       and it pleases the eyes to see the sun.  8 However many years a man may live,
       let him enjoy them all.
       But let him remember the days of darkness,
       for they will be many.
       Everything to come is meaningless."

What conclusions does the wise teacher make in each of the following passages in Ecclesiastes?

5:18-20, 8:15 and 12:13-14.

If we chase the things that this world deems important, we will be tired, cynical and out of balance, or we can find hope during this season in the fact that meaning and enjoyment are part of the journey and we need not feel only guilt and failure. There is meaning and purpose to all we do when our life is centered on God and His help.


Balanced Living – Definitions

Guilt – 1) The act or state of having done a wrong or committed an offense 2. A painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong.

Failure – 1) A falling short, a losing of power or strength, a breakdown in operation or function, neglect or omission, not succeeding in doing or becoming.

Contentment – Being happy enough with what one has or is; not desiring something more or different. Satisfied!

Expectations – A looking forward to or anticipation; a looking for as due, proper or necessary, to look for as likely to occur, to suppose or presume.

Expectations – Sorting through the thicket of our expectations is difficult but necessary. We all have expectations that we think come from other people but that really – often come from ourselves, and expectations from ourselves that we think are from other people. Worst of all, we not only try to meet and exceed these expectations, but we feel guilty when we don't.

Many women approached motherhood thinking they are supposed to have an innate talent for being a woman and feel surprised and frustrated that motherhood is so difficult. They begin to label themselves failures – on a regular basis. There is a never- ending to-do list that becomes exhausting. We need to reexamine our priorities and redefine motherhood as something we both can do and want to do when we line this season up with the unique women and mothers we were designed to be. Happy mothers have realistic expectations. Unhappy mothers have untenable ones. We all need to work on lining up our expectations with reality.

Jesus' Example – How did Jesus handle all the demands on His time? Read Mark 1:29-37

  "29As soon as they left the synagogue, they went with James and John to the home of Simon and Andrew. 30Simon's mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they told Jesus about her. 31So he went to her, took her hand and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them.  32That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. 33The whole town gathered at the door, 34and Jesus healed many who had various diseases. He also drove out many demons, but he would not let the demons speak because they knew who he was.

Jesus Prays in a Solitary Place  35Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. 36Simon and his companions went to look for him, 37and when they found him, they exclaimed: "Everyone is looking for you!"

Guilt is a driving force behind much of our exhaustion. We can say “yes” to too many “good” things and not enough “nos” to what will bring us rest and satisfaction. Every guilt-driven yes means a no to something else that is important. Every day holds only 24 hours. As gifted as we are at multitasking, there are concrete limits to what can get done in any given day. The result? - We pass through many days oblivious to the presence of God and find ourselves irritable with those we love.

After Jesus visited Simon's home He healed many others as word got out but waking early the next morning, Jesus slipped away to a quiet place to be along with His Father. When the disciples came and said, “Everyone is looking for you” could you hear the intent to instill quilt? The people coming to Jesus had legitimate needs. Refusing to be guilt driven, Jesus chose to be Spirit-led. We are not called to meet every need that comes knocking at our door.

The Example of the Olympics – Strive for Your Personal Best! Instead of 100% perfect. Even the gold medalists don't always have a perfect score. They miss, fall down – but they always keep going and try again.

One hurdle during this season of motherhood is low self-esteem. The greatest enemy we will ever have is our “inner-me”. The perception we have of our self is sometimes more powerful than the reality of who we are – especially if we have given our lives to Christ. We are loved, gifted and empowered when we belong to Him.

Our goal during this season is to have a winning mind-set to do our personal best.

It's quite miraculous and very destructive, this ability of ours to feel guilty. Every day, at least in our own heads, we fall short of the goals that we've set for ourselves. And that makes us feel bad. Each day we wake up, run around all day, and then go to sleep with an endless litany of should'ves, could'ves, would'ves, and havetos. As a result, we live in our shortcomings, in a state of constant regret. Motherhood is above all else, about love, not performance.

Some Easy Steps for Guilt-free Mothering

1. Take a look at your priorities. Ask yourself if you really need to do it all - everyday. You just can't keep everybody happy all the time.
2. Make sure you're focusing on the big things (Am I giving him enough hugs?), and let go of some of the small things that can make you crazy? (Did I get them the right toy?)
3. Ask yourself these questions:
Is my guilt appropriate?
Will I care, or will my child care, about this issue one year from now? Five years from now?
How does this issue fit into the overall value structure of our family?
4. Start to recognize your personal triggers. Do you have a shorter fuse if you haven't eaten lunch?
Are you impatient if you've slept badly?
5. Define yourself by your best moments, not your worst. Find one thing you did do right today and focus on that.
6. Figure out if your guilt is truly relevant. Every time you feel guilty, replace the word guilt with the word regret. For example, "I feel guilty for going to exercise class." Do you regret going to class? If not, then your guilt is unfounded.
7. If your guilt is founded, do what you need to do make amends and move on. There's no benefit in beating yourself up.
8. Don't buy into others' attempts to make you feel guilty. Make sure you're not being manipulated.
9. Stick to your limits. Consistently. If your rule is that your kids get 30 minutes of TV per day, allow them 30 minutes, and don't feel guilty saying no when they ask for more. Learn to accept the fact that you are going to be reponsible for many of your children's tears.
10. Realize that it's okay to have pleasure without guilt.

Open yourself up to recognizing good-mom moments. Even the small things - like spending ten minutes of one-on-one time or reading a book together - matter.